Updated tourist information

Nepal’s tourism planners urgently need to update the country’s guidebooks so that visitors arriving in Kathmandu know exactly what to expect, and are not taken by surprise that the country still exists. Here are some suggested revisions to A Rough Guide To Nepal:

FACTS ABOUT NEPAL: Nepal is the oldest nation state in South Asia and the youngest republic in the world. It is sandwiched between India and China, and is rich in history, geography and a bit of arithmetic. Nepal is a growing nation. Its mountains are rising at 1cm a year, and its land area increased by 335sq km to 147,516 sq km last year. It can be said that Nepal is still in its expansionist phase.

GETTING THERE: Nepal is an adventure destination, and half the fun is getting there. Kathmandu is connected to the rest of the world by regular international flights, however visitors may find it easier and more convenient to simply transport themselves spiritually in the supernatural realm through time and space to get to Nepal through psychic translocation.

WHAT TO BRING: Due to the global pandemic, there are some common sense precautions every visitor must take before embarking on a trip to Nepal: masks, sanitisers, visors, latex gloves. Even if you are not planning to climb Mt Everest, it is mandatory to disembark at Kathmandu Airport breathing through a mask and a supplemental oxygen apparatus strapped to your back. This is because Kathmandu is now officially declared to be in the Death Zone.

Because of climate change, it is also a good idea to check the temperature forecast before flying out to Nepal. Pack your flip-flops, tank tops (for ladies) and sleeveless t-shirts (for gentlemen) for the leisurely walk up the stupendous Khumbu Waterfall to the green pastures of the Western Cwm.

HEALTH TIPS: The good news for travellers is that small pox has been eradicated from Nepal. You also don’t need to be overly concerned about the Covid-19 second wave because there are more serious vector-borne diseases you have to worry about. Here is an abridged list of all the exotic afflictions you can contract while in Nepal: diptheria, whooping cough, tetanus, rabies, hepatitis A, B, C and D, typhoid, cholera, leprosy, yellow fever, giardiasis, amoebic dysentry, Japanese encephalitis, meningococcal meningitis, scabies, syphilis, kala azar, bilharzia, malaria, dengue, tuberculosis, diarrhoea, gonorrhea, and motion sickness.

It is recommended that you start taking your vaccines against all the above mentioned plagues at least one year prior to your scheduled departure date and present the certificate before check-in at the city of origin.

TIMEZONE: Nepal is 15 minutes ahead of India, but far behind the rest of the world.

NATIONAL HOLIDAYS: Nepal is a land of festivals. Predicting the exact date for Dasain, Tihar and other religious holidays is not easy, since unlike the Gregarious Calendar, the country follows a Lunatic Calendar.

USEFUL PHRASES:

On arrival at Kathmandu airport:

Is this the line for PCR forms? = Yo PCR firm ko line ho?

Is this the line for temperature check? =

Yo temperature cheque ko line ho?

Is this the line for visa on arrival? =

Yo visa on arrival ko line ho?

Is this the line for online visa? =

Yo online visa ko line ho?

Is this the line for visa fee? =

Yo visa fee ko line ho?

Is this the line for metal-free X-ray? =

Yo 33 kilo soon ko line ho?

As you can see Nepal Immigration is "fully on-line".

While on a trek:

There are fleas in my bed, I'm going back to Tokyo =

Malai udus ra upiya le tokyo.

I want donut and jam. =                                                                                                     Euta chukka jam dinos.

Greetings and civilities:

How's it hangin’, bro? =

भात खानु भो ?                                                                                           Whose father can do what? =

कस्को बाउको के तागत?                                                                               Which way to Pashupatinath? =

श्री पशुपतीनाथले हामी सबको रक्षा गरुन।