A volunteer Ass is needed with immediate effect for a newspaper of records in a federal democratic kleptocratic Himalayan republic in which the Buddha was born, and is situated like a yam between a rock and the deep blue sea, and has an area of 156,000 sq km, give or take 500 sq km or so.Applicants must be willing to make complete asses of themselves, and show a demonstrable ability to kick and/or lick hind quarters of the powers that be. No previous experience necessary, since the much-coveted position comes with complete on-the-job training that includes undercover work, sting operations and how not to get caught plagiarising.Incumbent donkey is quitting with immediate effect after 22 years of yeoman’s service to the nation at large to enter politics and joining other jokers already there.There is now such stiff competition from the clowns in government and in-House comedians that the Ass stands no chance against them with its feeble attempts at eliciting lame laughter in this space every week.For proof of the hilarious slapstick show Nepal’s serial politicians offer citizens, just look at the way they outdid even themselves in the past week or so with the torrid love triangle between PKD, KPO and SBD. The bromance blossomed and it was clear that what we were witnessing was the hand of geniuses in tickling our nation’s collective funny bone.No court jester can vie with such professionalism. They had us in stitches. We laughed so hard we cried.That is why we are seeking a replacement Ass for 2023 onwards.QUALIFICATIONS:<ol> 	<li>Post-holder should have customary long ears, must come with a lot of baggage, have endurance and stamina for abuse.</li> 	<li>Must be able to go hee-haw and have a posterior motive to deliver a back-kick without any warning.</li> 	<li>Amazing opportunities for career progression as a part of the illustrious Equidae family.</li> 	<li>Candidate must be homely, convent-educated teetotaler, fair-skinned vegetarian DV-eligible upper caste Ass who is full of him/her/themself.</li> 	<li>Age, gender if any, marital status, eating habits, lack of morals, incontinence and incompetence no bar.</li> 	<li>Should have capability to write purportedly humorous columns with flair and aplomb and not be deterred by a complete lack of feedback from readers.</li> 	<li>Must be a rude dude Has-been Wannabe.</li> 	<li>Must be able to push the boundaries, including in the disputed Limpiyadhura and Susta regions.</li> 	<li>Must have a Diploma in Lampooning and a Bachelor of Arse in Sycophancy from an unrecognised university.</li> 	<li>Candidates need not possess any verbal, interpersonal and communication skills at all, but a criminal record will be an advantage.</li> 	<li>Horses and Mules are not eligible to apply.</li></ol>SALARY: There is no salary, and that is non-negotiable. But the position has in-built perks, life-time medical treatment including liposuction, tummy tuck, buttock augmentation, and rhinoplasty.Apply with brain scan and full body MRI showing recent abdominal contours to prove you have the guts to take up this position.We are an equal opportunities employer. Jenny Asses are encouraged to apply. Everybody deserves a fifth chance.Byeeee.

The Ass

VACANCY

<figure><img src="https://superdesk-pro-c.s3.amazonaws.com/sd-nepalitimes/20221114131156/63723b799c7e80680e0c95c1jpeg.jpg" alt="" width="4096" height="2353"/><figcaption>Photo: MONIKA DEUPALA</figcaption></figure>The Ass has been reminded that this paper takes a break over Dasain, and we skip one issue next week. Yay! Also, there is a full page nude on the back page. Double Yay! But the editor tells me I still have to submit my weekly column. Nay!It is therefore incumbent upon yours truly to circulate this strong internal memo against the media typhoon who owns this paper who sold his soul to Mammon, sacrificing the donkey’s designated Backside place and squeezing the Ass into this obscure inside section.I will therefore not beat around the burning bush indulging in frivolous chitchat, supposedly witty repartees, idle banter, lame puns, below the belt innuendos about the Prime Minister, ridiculing the President’s taste in upholstery from the Ministry of Interior Decoration, or muttering allegedly hilarious asides about the posterior body parts of some prominent members of the Council of Ministers.No, today we shall tackle deadly serious national issues so that we can roll our loins and gird up our sleeves to ensure that Fedex Elections are held as scheduled in November. We should doubly redouble our efforts to protect the Constitution (the world’s best, in fact) that ensures politicians of all hues and cries have equal rights in our democracy to pillage and plunder.We now break our usual programming for this important grabberment announcement:Hear ye, her ye! It is hereby notified to all concerned that this year’s Dasain festival has been postponed until further notice because of the need for belt-tightening during these tumultuous times.All concerned should watch this space for new Dasain dates, but it will most probably be next April, when it will be held in conjunction with New Year 2080 in order to reduce Nepal’s petroleum import bill and the country’s carbon footprint.There will also be a moratorium on mountain goat imports from Tibet till next April because of our balance of trade deficit with China. Water buffalos have also been included in the list of ‘luxury items’ together with iPhone 14s, Old Monk Rum, and Odomos mosquito repellent creams, that are currently restricted for import to save Indian currency reserves from further depletion.Mountain goats and buffaloes will therefore be allowed to carry on with their daily lives until such time as they may again be required to be decapitated in the epic struggle of good against evil next April. For further information, contact the Dept of Humanitarian Sacrifices.Despite austerity, MPs in the prorogued Parliament who knew their days were numbered voted themselves fat Dasain bonuses. Former Chief Justices, Ministers, and Reps in the August House had till end-August to award themselves posthumous pensions so they can keep on enjoying legislative perks, and official cars in their afterlife.As you may have heard, Prime Minister Dubya has decided to give election tickets to Baddie candidates recommended by Comrade Awesome rather than to dissidents within his own party who could challenge The Foremost Lady in future. These tickets are so sought after that they are being sold in the black market, or so I am told.

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Dasain is postponed

<img src="https://superdesk-pro-c.s3.amazonaws.com/sd-nepalitimes/20221114131128/637234a39c7e80680e0c4944jpeg.jpg" alt="" width="1500" height="900"/>It is only when a people start worrying about their future that they strive for betterment. Contrary to what many negativists think, Nepal does have a future. We just don't know what kind of future it is.And that is where asstrologers come in: to provide an essential service by divining what the coming years may hold so that Nepal’s politicians can peer into the future and get history to repeat itself.In being able to prophesy the future, we lag behind our neighbours India (the world’s leader in fortune-telling) and China (the global fortune-cookie superpower). It is in Nepal’s geo-strategic interest to be able to predict what will happen the day after tomorrow, or to be more specific, on 20 November.After all, Prime Minister Deuba pushed the election date by two days not at the request of the Election Commission, but on advice from Asstrologer General Suresh Rijal. That is the same soothsayer who told Brave Lion he will be prime minister seven times. Two more to go.Nations, too, have horoscopes. And in these uncertain times it is good to know what is pre-ordained, so that we can all sit back and relax, safe in the knowledge that what will be, will be, and there is nothing we can do about it. Nepal’s horoscope is Top Secret Sensitive Compartmented Information, and we reprint it below in the strictest confidence:‘With the Moon in the Seventh House, Jupiter aligned with Mars, and the current Libra-Aries opposition identical to the placement of those constellations during the Peloponnesian War of 431 BC when the plague struck Athens and the Third Punic War when Rome sacked and sowed Carthage with salt, war and pestilence are probable. Luckily, a Neptune-Uranus conjunction on 20 November means that nothing can go wrong, because nothing is going on.’When politics get uncertain, Nepal’s leaders have often relied on Indian goodmen like Co-Pilot Baba and Shree 3 Ravi Shankar to safeguard their future. Not surprisingly, it is the atheist Communist parties who mostly rely on these consultants to appease the planets.Maobuddy leader Comrade Awesome often ODs on the opiate of the asses: worshipping water buffaloes, sacrificing black goats, and engaging the services of Tantric voodoo consultants to cast spells on rivals.All the nine planets are in alignment with PKD’s constellation, so it will be smooth sailing for him after the elections. However, the James Webb Space Telescope has found another solar system 300 light years away, so those new planets may throw the predictions off.In no way is Nepal a failed state, we are a fatalist state. This is why Kathmandu is the venue for the Asian Astrologers’ Convention, even though they are waiting for the planets to align for the date and time to be set. Those planning a government reshuffle, elections, or stage a coup d’etat should book seats in advance.The conference will determine whether Nepal’s leaders should adopt Vastu or Feng Shui when greeting Indian or Chinese leaders. Ass’s advice: face north while meeting the Chinese, and hide under the table when the Indians come.

Nepal’s horrorscope

We in Nepal have to periodically remind motorists of traffic rules, and any revisions that have been made in regulations when they were not paying attention.For example, a right signal used to mean that the tipper truck ahead on the highway was turning right. But suddenly, without warning, that rule was changed and a blinking yellow light now actually means you can safely overtake that truck.Similarly, motorcycles are now allowed to drive on the right side of the centreline (which used to be the wrong side) and the left lane is reserved for sidewalk hawkers, and to park bricks, cement, steel rods.In case you had not noticed, driving in rural Nepal is not for the fainthearted. So, to assist drivers, here are some new road signs and their explanations:<img src="https://superdesk-pro-c.s3.amazonaws.com/sd-nepalitimes/20221114131120/637232d39c7e80680e0c48b3jpeg.jpg" alt="" width="670" height="686"/>Read also: <a href="https://www.nepalitimes.com/opinion/turning-nepal-into-singapore/">Turning Nepal into Singapore</a>, Ass

Off-road signs

<img src="https://superdesk-pro-c.s3.amazonaws.com/sd-nepalitimes/2022111413118/637230259c7e80680e0c254fjpeg.jpg" alt="" width="1750" height="1090"/>The Ass can’t figure out what the big deal is about PKD suddenly dashing off to Delhi. It is a time-honoured ritual for Nepal’s leaders to visit the Dilli Darbar before and after they become prime minister.It is also a historical custom passed down from Jang Bahadur’s time to kowtow to the North and grovel to the South, and our Prime Minister-in-Waiting-and-Waiting-and-Waiting is just upholding that tradition. The optics for the audience with Comrade Liu at Khumaltar was perfect: the two met amidst a backdrop showcasing travel memorabilia of (1) Petronas Towers, (2) Statue of Liberty, (3) La Tour Eiffel, (4) a ceramic Bavarian Coat of Arms, and (5) portraits of Friedrich Engels, (6) Joseph Stalin, (7) Vladimir Ilyich Lenin, (8) Mao Zedong, and (9) Gautam Buddhas. Only one missing is Pol Pot.It had been touch-or-go for PKD’s Delhi invite, but the Liu visit clinched it. Awesome was promised an audience with Emperor Namo, and off he went. He had warm up meetings with the Spook-in-Chief who was his guardian in Noida during the war years, the BJP party chief, and Shree Jaishankar the Blockadeer. But the “climax” that Comrade Pukada was promised never happened.There are many theories about why Modi cancelled the meeting. One plausible explanation is that Narendra Modi learnt from the way Recep Tayyip Erdoğan made Vladimir Putin cool his heels for a full minute at a photo op in Teheran last week, and thought he could give Pukada an even better welcome by not appearing at all.The other theory is that Modi had actually agreed to meet Swarnim Wagle, and someone messed up. Or maybe the real climax of the visit for the Maoist Supremacist was not an audience with Modi at all, but a summit with Arzoo.This is understandable, since we know how difficult it is for the two to meet in Kathmandu out of earshot of Hubby. And PKD did let it slip that he and Share Bahadur had agreed on taking turns to be prime ministers after November. Maybe he meant to share with Arzoo, not with Her Man.

Awesome stuff

There comes a time in every journo’s career when we get tired of being the purveyors of only bad news. It is our duty to set that right, so we print below stories that somehow didn’t make it:No Oil Price Hike This WeekBY OUR CRUDE CORRESPONDENTIn another departure from the norm, Nepal Oil Corruption (NOC) failed to jack up the price of petrol and diesel this week, saying it was too busy calculating the bonus for its employees after crude oil prices broke the $120/barrel mark. NOC has also been making a bonanza during the monsoon season as international airlines have to make long holds, and need full refuelling at Kathmandu for flights back.“Since aviation fuel in Nepal is the costliest in the world, we benefit greatly from bad weather and air traffic congestion,” said an NOC source who could not hide his glee. “But rest assured we will make up for not increasing gas prices at the pumps by a double digit hike next week.”The source also told this reporter off the record that NOC had come up with a clever plan to cap prices at petrol pumps. This is a highly classified state secret, but if you promise not to tell anyone, we can confidentially divulge that the plan entails allowing distributors to adulterate petrol with vodka to stabilise the price at Rs100/litre.(This news item is brought to you by High Octane Stolichnaya Vodka: Put a Tiger in Your Tank)Chobar High Dam To Be BuiltBY AN ELECTRIFIED REPORTERThe five-party coalition has given the green light for a hydroelectric dam at Chobar Gorge that will solve Nepal's electricity crisis and Kathmandu's uncontrolled urbanisation in one swell foop. It will also reverse Manjushree’s ill-advised move to drain the lake which, it has been revealed, was done without conducting a proper Environmental Impact Assessment (EIA).The 200m Chobar High Dam will create a massive reservoir that will submerge Kathmandu, Patan and Bhaktapur and turn the Valley once more into a pristine pre-historic lake. Besides allowing Nepal to have a trade surplus with India, the project will reduce domestic electricity demand by removing Kathmandu from the map, and decentralise politics with devolution of federal power to the provinces.Journos Irked by Continued Freedom BY A DISGRUNTLED HACKNepal’s media fraternity is threatening a pen-down strike unless the grabberment immediately imposes restrictions on the press and enforces self-censorship.“Nepal’s big neighbours have attained double digit growth by cracking down on press freedom," complained a veteran editor on condition of anonymity. “How come I am still free to call our prime minister an Ass? It’s been a week and they have still not arrested me. What do I have to do, burn some tyres at Maitighar?”The All-Nepal Federation of Unjustly Undetained Newspersons (ANFUN)  threatened to launch a nationwide stir if their demand to be detained without further ado is not met with immediate effect by the concerned higher-up authoritarians.The statement said: "If they don't put us under house arrest, then we'll go into cardiac arrest."

First, the good news

Nepal’s post-Covid planners need a different tactic. Trying to convince people around the world to visit Nepal because it is there is not working anymore. Maybe they should try to tell them not to visit Nepal. Go away. Scat. Vamos.That way people may actually be more curious about why we are trying to keep them away, what we are hiding, and they will have FOMO and want desperately to visit.Tourists are also told not to visit Nepal in the monsoon. Some guidebook in the 1960s declared the rains as the off-season, and that has stuck. It is time to change that.We need a new slogan, how about: ‘Off to Nepal in the Off Season’, or ‘Visit Nepal: Take a Rain-Cheque’. With our picturesque flooded streets and casinos in every hotel, Nepal can be the combination of Venice and Las Vegas. Only in Nepal can visitors expect the unexpected at every step. Elsewhere in the world it rains cats and dogs, but in Nepal it rains only dogs. And lots of them.Soon the monsoon will be here. And the Tourism Revival Committee should be trying to turn Nepal’s liabilities into asses. For example, Kathmandu can rebrand itself and turn its name into Mudmandu. If Glastonbury can make wallowing in mud pools a tourist attraction, we have far more ooze here. And it is of better quality.Every monsoon, Nepal turns from a dust bowl into a mud bath, and we are wasting the opportunity by not making the best of it.New tv commercials can show monsoon scenes with hit songs like ‘Singing in the Rain’, ‘Have You Ever Seen the Rain’, or ‘A Hard Rain’s A-gonna Fall’ and dub them in Arabic so we can woo visitors from the Gulf countries where it has not rained since dawn of the new millennium. We give them workers, they give us tourists.The Ass has a few free tips for catchy taglines to market the monsoon:‘Nepal: Where It Always Rains on Your Parade’‘Visit Nepal in the Monsoon for a Crash-course in Political Mud-slinging’‘Join the Kathmandu Muckrakers’‘Visit Nepal: Be a Stick-in-the-Mud’‘Watch it rain water buffalos and hippopotami in Chitlang.’  ‘Nepal Airlines: Flies You to the Slime with a Smile’Monsoon is the time for Nepal’s national disease: gastroenteritis. But this explosive affliction need not be a deterrent, it can be turned to our advantage.We can in fact promote diarrhoea, we just need to figure out how to spell it correctly. And that opens up the opportunity for more slogans:&nbsp;<ul> 	<li aria-level="1">Enjoy Runs in the Rain </li> 	<li aria-level="1">Guaranteed Weight Loss Plan: Lose 10kg in 10 Days</li> 	<li aria-level="1">Visit Nepal and Take Part in a Violent Uprising</li> 	<li aria-level="1">Develop a Gut Feeling for Nepal</li></ul>Read also: <a href="https://www.nepalitimes.com/opinion/taxman-cometh-2/">Taxman cometh</a>, Ass

Muckraking in ‘Mandu

Ang Kami Sherpa just broke his own record to climb Mt Everest for the 26th time last week. Also aspiring to be in the Guinness Book is Prime Minister Deuba by being prime minister seven times (five down two to go) and have a wax figure of himself yawning installed at Madame Tussauds.Hoping to get into the Guinness Book this week is the shortest man ever to summit Mt Everest. We already have Ghantaghar in Dharan officially listed as the world’s fastest clock, and the CPN Maoist Centre has been recognised as the world’s most rightwing Communist Party.We can now reveal that Nepal’s Election Commission is going to be on the Guinness Book for being the slowest ballot counters. This is a great national recognition that does Nepal proud, and shows that our hard-won democracy is taking a great leap forward.There have been calls to speed up the counting process so that Nepalis can get on with their busy schedules to enjoy two-day weekends. That would be a bad idea. After all, haste makes waste, and slow and steady wins the race. The Election Commissars have also wisely desisted from putting the names of parties and candidates on the ballot so as not to confuse voters. For The Ass, 13 May was a toss up between Shuttlecock and Cock.To be fair, voters do have a right to be confused about ballot papers this time, there were just too many candidates. This presents a clear and present danger of the Erection Commission running out of party symbols for future polls.Since prominent symbols like Fountain Pen, Mango, Duck and Rabbit have already been taken by the 5-Party Cartel, we need more symbols so that in November  voters can confidently stamp their Hammer and Sickle on the Swastika.In order to enlarge the gene pool of election symbols, the Ass is inspired by Nepal’s rich biodiversity to include the country’s flora, fauna and sauna. The Uncastrated He-goat, Bull, Water Buffalo and Yak have already been conscripted.<img src="https://superdesk-pro-c.s3.amazonaws.com/sd-nepalitimes/20221114111128/6372186e9c7e80680e0baa40jpeg.jpg" alt="" width="765" height="2000"/>To accommodate political parties that are missed out, we have assigned them the Scorpion, Yeti, Vulture, Porcupine, Snake, Snail and (the Donkey is pleased to announce) a Jack Ass delivering a back kick.We have also included symbolic symbols like Handcuffs, Grenade (with pin attached) and Squat Latrine. The Family Party’s symbol has been changed to a male prophylactic, and Bibeksheel Sajha gets Face Mask.As more election results come in, let the best ass win.

Symbolic symbols

<img src="https://superdesk-pro-c.s3.amazonaws.com/sd-nepalitimes/20221114111152/63721ea09c7e80680e0bd558jpeg.jpg" alt="" width="3072" height="2048"/>The wellbeing of every country on Earth can be measured by how much leisure time its citizens have. Industrialised nations are so productive that they allow their taxpayers to laze about, take long vacations, and fully enjoy the fruits of their labour. In poorer countries, however, donkeys like us have to work our asses off.In fact, you can accurately gauge how well-off a country is by how many national holidays it has in any given year. Which is why it is good news that the Grabberment of Nepal is going boldly forth to announce a two-day weekend from Jest First, and the only last minute hitch is whether to also keep the official Friday half-days.The long weekends will mean that Nepal will not just be graduating from Least Developed Country to Middle Income Country by 2025, but also leap-frog into becoming Fully-Developed in the process. Yay!Taking a country’s Gross National Holiday Index (GNHI) as metrics, Nepal already ranks right up there with OECD member states in terms of annual holidays per capita. Despite our laid-back attitude, we have still managed to mine all our rivers of sand and boulders, dug unnecessary roads, and built view-towers atop all our mountains.Even before the 5-day work week, Nepal already held the world record as the country with the most national holidays. We give holidays for five different new year days every year. Communists in government commemorate the opium of the asses to celebrate all the holy days in every major world religion. Even Holi Day is a holiday.We are now a proud Lock Tantrik Republic, which makes it mandatory to have holidays for Praja Tantrick Diwas (the day we threw off the Rana yolk), Lok Tantrick Diwas (when we broke the Shah yolk), Gun Tantrick Diwas (the day to demonstrate that political power indeed comes out of the barrel of a gun), and Sambidhan Diwas (to remind politicians that the laws of the land are written to be broken).With a 2-day weekend, holidays for solar and lunatic eclipses, and a day off to mark the International Day for the Preservation of the Ozone Layer, Nepal will have 312 holidays in a year. And we are not even counting 2020 and 2021, when we all got two whole years off.There are some workaholic spoilsports who bemoan this. Relax. First of all, having more holidays will reduce petrol and diesel consumption, not just lowering Nepal’s petroleum import bill, but also improving air quality. It will also mean that there will now be more fuel available to smuggle across the border to India, allowing Nepalis a chance to earn valuable Indian currency, and reduce the country’s widening trade gap.Also, government offices going down from a 42-hour week to 35-hour week will have a direct impact on reducing corruption. Fewer bribes will be given and taken if there are fewer hours in a week to do so.Nepal’s position in the Transparency International ranking will then improve from being the second most corrupt country in South Asia to the third most corrupt country in the Subcontinent.

Working our asses off

<figure><img src="https://superdesk-pro-c.s3.amazonaws.com/sd-nepalitimes/20221114111144/63721cd29c7e80680e0bd4b0jpeg.jpg" alt="" width="1500" height="1001"/><figcaption>Photo: MANISH PAUDEL/NEPALI TIMES ARCHIVE</figcaption></figure>The world is making amazing progress in automotive technology, and this means Nepal will soon leapfrog rapidly from a country of drivers without cars, to one of driverless cars.That is why the Ass would like to know what the higher up authoritarians are doing to prepare Kathmandu for self-driving cars. Lack of preparation could mean chaos on Kathmandu's presently smooth-flowing streets. Actually, self-driving cars would be the perfect antidote to all the hazards and obstacles to road trafficking in the Valley. Here is how:<ol><li>Google Maps will have to train itself to geolocate your exact destination, since there are no street names and numbers in Kathmandu. Driverless cars should be able to instinctively detect their position using Virtual Reality so they know when to turn left at the uncollected garbage pile at Bag Bazar, and after 150m, drive up a pedestrian overhead bridge at Jamal, and then home to Ass-on.</li></ol><ol start="2"><li>Visual cues are not enough for driverless cars which will need olfactory sensors to navigate the Dungmati Corridor. Your vehicle just follows odour emanating from the Sewage Canal by literally smelling its way to the destination.</li></ol><ol start="3"><li>Natural intelligence of a human driver will be superseded by artificial intelligence of a driverless vehicle which can detect the large sinkhole in the middle of the street in Lazimpat by promptly falling into it.</li></ol><ol start="4"><li>The real revolution will happen when the Office of Transportation allows motorcycles to also be driverless. Self-driving two-wheelers will make both pillion rider and driver obsolete.</li></ol><ol start="5"><li>Mayor Bidya Sundar Shakya declared Kathmandu a 'smart city', and driverless cars will make it a Genius City. But first, we have to get the software rewritten so vehicles can drive on any side of the road and also follow Kathmandu’s new smart traffic lights. Green: Go fast; Yellow: Go faster; Red: Step on it.</li></ol><ol start="6"><li>On Nepal’s highways, when a tipper truck in front gives a right signal it doesn’t mean he is turning right. It is trying to tell the self-driving car that it can safely overtake him. This feature has been retained also for driverless tipper trucks.</li></ol><ol start="7"><li>Self-driving microbuses must learn that in Nepal, we don’t just over-take, we take-over the road. When God made cars, he equipped them with horns. Driverless micros should honk pointlessly just to prove that they exist, following the polite instruction on the backs of lorries.</li></ol><ol start="8"><li>The best thing about driverless cars is that we can drink and drive again.</li></ol>

ass