Many of us are reluctant to shed cosy illusions and want to go on pretending that everything is hunky dory in the Dramatic Cellular Femoral Republic of Nepal. This is why it has become important for us in the 4th Estate of Province 3 to use this window of opportunity while we still have freedom of expression and before draconian new laws come into effect, curbing our right to troll whomsoever we like.
Freedom is not a luxury, we in the media must use it to hold power to account and play the adversarial role. This is exactly why the Ass is pushing the boundaries of press freedom by analysing trends in male fashion and what that means for our democratic way of life.
Many of you must be wondering why contemporary kids think it is mandatory under Nepal’s new Constitution to wear trousers that look like they have been designed for people who don’t have any buttocks. I haven’t. Just wondered if you had. Because my preliminary inspection has revealed what I suspected all along: today’s teenagers aren’t endowed with the formidable cheeks our generation was proud to call its own.
Ever since our Neanderthal ancestors started greeting each other with the phrase, “How’s it hanging, bro?” human beings have been acutely aware of the various physical accessories in their possession and the need to keep them a closely guarded secret. In those early days, men went undercover by using whatever was lying around the cave to hide their crown jewels: a strip of dried woolly mammoth bladder, antelope skin, or sabre-toothed tiger fur. And that, ladies and/or gentlemen, was how the world of men’s fashion was born.
But even back then it was already clear that men’s fashion was ephemeral. Fads came and went. Early wildebeest hide dungarees, for instance, were tied with rope belts at the chest. But the very next year, it went out of fashion.
Due to Newton’s Law of Universal Gravitation, trousers have been drifting downwards ever since, and by the early Elizabethan Era had arrived at the proximity of the belly button. Today, if the latest fashion trend I have spotted in Darbar Morgue is any indication, baggy draw-string trousers must be tied just below the cleavage in a gravity-defying feat of brinkmanship. At this rate, by the time Nepal attains Middle Income Status in 2025, we can safely predict that boys’ trousers will be tied at the ankles, and mankind will have come a full circle to our underwear-less Neanderthal forebears.
But how can the ordinary man on the street keep track of the latest fashion trends, especially if they do not have a TikTok account? As a public service, the Ass presents below a table with can-wear and can’t-wear tips. Warning: fashion trends can change suddenly and without warning, making you look like a dork.
Ritual Bhairav mask
Jeans faded at crotch
Baburam Bhattarai golf cap
Lowrise half-mast pants
Fair Trade hemp cap