Make Nepal greater again

At a time when cynics abound, national morale is sagging, and there are rumours of the Koirala clan getting together again, we need something to fill our patriotic hearts with a longing for the days of yore when Nepal was still great, our borders stretched from Sutlej to Teesta, and we were a self-sufficient nation of nettle eaters.

We may just be too lazy to count our blessings. Take the garbage and plastic on the streets: they are vibrant symbols of our hard-won freedoms, and a sign that this country is steaming ahead to a prosperous future. We are already rich enough to be a throwaway society and free to litter wherever we want, this means we are half-way to arriving at Middle Income State status ahead of schedule.

Proof that we are not a vassal state anymore is how Nepal’s grabberment is so independent and sovereign, it allows roads to be in a state of disrepair for decades, and leave people free to fend for themselves. Which other country has such a laissez-faire system, allowing citizens liberty and self-determination?

No matter what anyone says, we love our country, trash and all. After all, this is the land of brave Bal Bhadra, even if he defected to Ranjit Singh’s army. We are the nation of Sagarmatha, even if two-thirds of the mountain is actually in China. This is the country of the Danphe which has been hunted nearly to extinction. We honour Asian Wild Elephants by depicting them in 1,000 rupee bank notes to show how much we value them (the cash, I mean, not the elephants.)

Buddha and Sita were borned even before Nepal became a UN member state. The Chinese would still be barbarians if Arniko hadn’t taught them how to build dagobas. So, no nation should underestimate us. We are a dynamite between two boulders. No sacrifice is too great for us to safeguard our freedom to dump trash wherever we want within Nepal’s sovereign territory.

The question now arises, how far does our territory go? Time is right for the Federal Government to restore Nepal to its former glory and recapture territory we lost to the British in 1816. Slight problem: if we have to go to war to get it back we might be fighting fellow-Nepalis since they also serve in the Injun Army.

A less costly military solution would be if retired Gurkha commandos captured Church Crookham and raised the crimson double triangle over the Johnny Gurkha Bar and Grill. Nepal’s annexation of this bit of Britain would right a historical wrong. And it would be easy, since the town has Nepali street names, and is technically already Nepal.