Miss Guided

As surely as night follows day (or is it the other way around?) it is now that time of year again when we celebrate the season of beauty contests. From now till Dasain just about every venue in the city is booked for knockout tournaments in various categories to select young men, women, or both, who are most qualified to be Mister Donut, Messrs Schmidt, Miss Nepal, Miss Taken or Miss Guided.

One gala pageant last week saw the crowning of Miss Teen Kunay in all her resplendent glory. And just so the other contestants would not be disheartened, there were also awards for Miss Photogenic, Best Hair and Thickest Dandruff categories.

As expected, competition was keen, as indicated by the riot that broke out over the counting process for online votes. Awards were then also given to Mr & Ms Tod Fod, Mister Hat Pat, and Miss Hina Mina. In order to introduce gender parity to these pageants, various organisers this year have also encouraged members of the unfair sex to participate in the mayhem.

We are now in possession of the calendar of events for the rest of the season, and it looks like a busy next few months of pageant-hopping for us hacks in the beauty beat.

Master and Miss Infant Nepal 2019

Motto: “Catch ‘em Young!”

Date: September 23-27

Venue: Prasuti Griha Maternity Hospital Main Auditorium, Thapathali

Criteria: Only babies who have their umbilical cords already cut are eligible. Newborns will be required to take part in the elimination rounds which include the Koochi-koochi-koo Round, Crawling-Around Round, Disposable Diaper Round, Breast-feeding Round, Burping Round and the Wee-wee and Poo-poo Rounds. Judges will evaluate participants on the basis of noise, poise, odour, motor functions and response to questions in the Interview Round. Sample question: “What kind of world are you being brought into by your parents?”

Mister Unfair and Ugly Nepal Street Pageant, 2076 BS

Slogan: “We Do Not Believe in Fair Competition”

Date and Time: Daily 10am-5pm

Venue: Maitighar Mandala Prohibited Zone

Categories: Mr Brickbat, Mr Young Turk, Cutest Arsonist in the Tyre-Burning Round, Mr Water Cannon, Most Authentic Weeping in the Tear Gas Round.

Politically-Incorrect Pageant 2019

Credo: “Mother and Motherland Are Dearer Than Heaven”

Venue: Behind-the-Scenes

Procedure: Winners will not be selected on merit basis but nominated by a clique of shadowy political appointees.

Categories: Miss Melanin-Challenged, Miss Impunity, Miss Latent Talent, Mr & Mrs Kleptocrat, The Right Honourable Mr Ex-Convict, Messrs Wilful Defaulters, Miss Thighland and Mr Cutest Ass.

Activities: Participants will be eliminated in the Muscial Chairs Round during which winners will be allowed to sit for a brief period on chairs before they are unceremoniously unseated.

The Ass


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