Under the capable leadership of the Nepal Communist Party (Moonies) and the Great Helmsperson the Right Honorary Prime Minister, this is a country that is busy going places. We can tell that by the fact that the Asia Pacific Summit of Communist Evangelicals selected Kathmandu as the venue for its conference last week.
It was in recognition of Nepal’s Revolution of Glorious Blood-letting that fellow pariahs ostracised by the international community gathered in Kathmandu to rub shoulders and award each other medals for good governance. In attendance were former Khmer Rouge leader Hun Sen, and Burma’s Suu Kyi who offered tips to our own Comrade Awe-Inspiring about how to win a Nobel Peace Prize and retain it despite having blood in your hands.
Learning from this experience, Kathmandu is now ready to host a plethora of conferences which will be great opportunities to showcase our many achievements in the promotion of corruption as a national past-time, muzzling the media, meeting international targets for the lack of accountability, and for the tendency to take one step forward and two steps back.
Having notched up a few more points in the Transparency International Corruption Index (even overtaking pros such as Burkina Faso and Guinea Bissau) Nepal has won the bid to host the next Global Conference on Graft by bribing members of the International Organising Committee in Berlin.
This is indeed great recognition, since some of the world’s most renowned rascals will be here to deliberate for three days on how to swindle more efficiently, as well as to put finishing touches on the Universal Declaration on Plunder and State Capture.
Not only will the conference put Nepal firmly on the world corruption map, it will also boost our convention industry in preparation for the Visit Nepal 2020 target of attracting 2 million tourists to Nepal.
More than 1,000 internationally-acclaimed thieves and knaves from 48 countries have confirmed participation, including war criminals, despots, kleptocrats, thugs and tyrants.
Meanwhile, the Minister of Injustice and Malfeasance who is also chairman of the Main Organising Committee of the Kathmandu Summit of Rogues, is trying its best to use the occasion to showcase the great strides Nepal has taken in the past three decades to make corruption a way of life.
“Earlier only a few people used to be corrupt, but since the new federal democratic constitution we have decentralised corruption. Now, everyone is on the take, and everyone gets a cut,” the minister boasted after pocketing a baksheesh we had to slip him in exchange for that on-the-record quote.
However, he added, there is no room for competency. There is still a threat to troll armies and bot attacks from Facebook’s new policy on fact-checking and Twitter removing fake accounts. There is also a danger that corruption will once more be monopolised by a few at the top. This goes against the spirit of Federalism and Decentralisation. We have to ask ourselves: are we serious about ensuring the freedom of embezzlement, or do we have to burn some tyres and shut down the country again?
Meanwhile, a draft agenda for the Kathmandu Summit of the World’s Top Scoundrels has just been released which looks like this:
Many will sneak in without paying visa fees while others will smuggle vast quantities of contraband by evading customs. This is standard operating procedure at such Summits.
Introductory Remarks and Welcome Speech by Comrade Charles Shobraj, streamed live at the venue via Skype from the Central Jail.
‘You Can Run and You Can Hide’ by Imelda Marcos.
‘How to Have Your Billions and Eat It Too’ Malaysian ex-Prime Minister Najib Razak.
E-banking Your Hard-earned Cash
Executives from a consortium of Cayman Island banks will be on hand to answer queries from potential depositers.
Resource Person: Mossack Fonseca.
New Stealth Techniques to Combat Transparency
Technological advances in that art of theft allows greed to grow by leaps and bounds. Find out how from world famous money launderers.
Tea, Coffee with Cookies and Hard Cash.
Correlation Between Corruption and Economic Growth
Dani Kaufmann of the World Bank Institute reveals empirical data for a modified inverted Kuznets Curve showing Nepal cannot achieve middle income status without medium-to-high levels of corruption.
Conscience and the Fourth Commandment (or Is It the Sixth?)
How to ignore your inner voice, and silence your conscience. Guru Shri Nagadnarayan Thugastakacharya demonstrates meditation therapy to indulge in hanky panky without irritating pangs of morality.
Dinner: Tyrants’ Networking Evening.