Anti-national anthem

All rise. We begin this week’s column with the mandatory singing of  Nepal’s national anthem. Ready? All together now, and with feeling: ‘Resham Phiriri, Resham Phiriri … ek nale bundook ...’

The anti-nationals who are against the singing of the nationalist anthem in Pashupati every evening should be ashamed of themselves. These nay-saying nabobs don’t have nothin’ positive to say about nothin’. How can the country ever get ahead if we do not have the discipline to be proud of our country precisely because there is so little to be proud of? Haven’t you seen the great stride GONe took  by actually installing a baggage carousel in the domestic airport? No previous grabberment was able to take such a Great Leap Forward. And we managed to wangle 5,000 tarpaulins from China. Yay!

My considered opinion is that the Minister of Marxism & Tourism should not stop at having people to stand in an uptight position during the national anthem in cinema halls. He should extend it to all spheres of national life. Here are some suggestions:

• The notional anthem being played at Pashupati’s evening prayers is a good start. But it should be extended to nearby cremations which should henceforth be preceded by playing Nepal’s jaunty national anthem so that we can give our dear and departed ones a patriotic send off as they commence their next incarnation in the afterlife. The deceased shall be required to stand up one last time for the duration of the tune.
• All international Nepal Airlines flights descending into Kathmandu airport shall play the national anthem on the cabin intercom as the aircraft enters Nepal’s air space. At this point, all passengers will be required to stand even if the Fasten Seat Belt sign has been turned on.
• Nepalis are not allowed by law into the country’s many casinos. In order to help Police nab Nepalis who are gambling away, management will play the national anthem at regular intervals. Nepalis will naturally stand up, allowing security personnel to remove them from the premises.
• The national anthem shall be played not just at the beginning of all football matches in the National Stadium, but also after every goal is scored. But only if it is scored by the Nepal team.
• All wedding ceremonies during the current mating season shall be preceded with a rendition of Nepal’s folksy national anthem. Groom and bride, as well as invited guests, can dance to the anthem if they so desire.
• All ATMs that have not yet been hacked by the Chinese will play a fast-paced version of the national anthem before dispensing cash.
• All Nepali nationals on mountaineering expeditions will now have to sing the national anthem live on Facebook with gusto and in unison with other team members on reaching the summit of Mt Everest. Non-Nepali climbers can sing Resham Phiriri.