The Golden Age of Democracy

Don’t listen to the naysayers, the cynics who are always poking fun at Nepal’s march towards federification, secularitarianment and democretinism. They’re just jealous.

Look at the progress the country has made in just two months of The Oligarchy: we have gone from leaps to bounds. From a few tolas of gold that used to be smuggled in false bottoms of passengers, we moved quickly up the ladder to 33kg of contraband biscuits, and by the time we had parliamentary elections we weren’t just satisfied with biscuits, we were hauling tons of gold ingots in containers through Tribhuvananthapuram Interception Airport.

This is the kind of growth and prosperity the Left Front gobblement promised during its election campaign, and they have delivered it even before the honeymoon period is over. At the rate we are going, we are going to be the leading entrepôt (What is that odd thing on top of the ‘o’? – Ed) for the trade in gold in this part of the world. We are entering Nepal’s Golden Age.

However, there is a fly in the oinkment. There is a dark cloud behind this golden lining. The bottleneck for the smooth passage of even more concealed gold is Kathmandu Airport itself, which everyone knows is not the epitome of efficiency when it comes to moving large volumes of cargo and passengers. This is why the Marxist-Leninist-Maoist Collusion has announced it is going to allow the airport to operate 21 carats a day.

It is also extending the apron and taxiway so the airport will be able to double the volume of gold it handles at present. A new domestic airport is being built in Banepa to ease congestion and allow even more gold-carrying overseas flights to land in Kathmandu. Two new international airports are coming up in Bhairawa and Pokhara to handle the burgeoning trade in gold. Ex-Royal Nepal Airlines is going to bring in two Airbus 330s which can carry double the amount of gold bullions than its current single aisle aircraft. Pretty soon all our narrow-bodies are going to be wide-bodies.

The airport takes freelance gold mules very seriously, and proof of this is the x-ray machine at the escalator at the arrival concourse of Kathmandu airport between immigration and the baggage carousels. This is to thwart any attempt by individual passengers to eat into the profits of the wholesale contractors involved in the gold trade.

Sadly, however much we increase air capacity at our international airports, planes just don’t have the economy of scale. Which is why it is vital for the Tibet Railroad to be extended from Xigatse to Kerung and on to the Indian border. Nepal, being a country in transition, stands to benefit even more from the Trans-Himalayan Railroad. Nepal’s mafia can then profit from smuggling in both directions: shipping gold by train from north to south, and smuggling spare parts for tigers, rhinos, and pangolins from south to north.

Primetime Minister Oli’s main agenda during his tenure before he hands over the reins to Comrade Lotus Flower is to improve connectivity. Now we understand why. Among the intermodal transportation ideas he has floated are:

1 Railway from Raxaul to Kathmandu

To make the ride as lengthy as possible so passengers can enjoy the scene-scenery, the track will follow the same alignment as the Tribhuvan Rajpath.

2 Railway from Kerung to Lumbini via Kathmandu

Rolling stock will be plated with 24-carat gold so that entire wagons can be smuggled into India.

3 The Chinese and Indian railroads will connect in Kathmandu (see above) to facilitate trans-Himalayan trade in gold and wildlife.

4 Inland Waterway: The Kosi and Ganges will be made navigable by building the Kosi High Dam so that containerships flying the Nepal flag will be able to dock in Sunsari. This will exponentially increase the volume of contraband traded.

5 A tunnel beneath the Chicken Neck and will drive Nepal-Bangladesh trade underground.

The Ass


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