Some of you have taken The Ass aside at party palaces in the past week to ask: “What is the meaning of life?” Others have wanted to know: “Will the world end with a whimper or a bang?”
Such questions are easily answered, but there was one deeply philosophical query that flummoxed me: “Who will be the next prime minister?” To which my answer was: “How should I know, I am an asstrophysicist, not an asstrologer.”
It is natural for many of you to be confused by the conspiracies being hatched within the NCP. That is why, as a free public service to members of our loyalty card holders, let me simplify it for you:
KPO and PKD agreed to take turns being PM, but KPO changed his mind. PKD realised KPO’s kidneys were not packing up just yet, and got MKN and JNK to poke KPO. But that didn’t work, so PKD got BDG into the Upper House with the help of NKS, JNK and MKN. RBT said it was a terrible idea but didn’t stand in the way. KPO said No Way Jose, YRK is in. BDG is so desperate to be PM he will kowtow to anyone, even GBBSD. KPO is now isolated with only SN and IP on his side, even trusted lieutenant BP has bolted because of fear being blackmailed over Baluwatar. MKN would rather back KPO as PM, but is miffed KPO hasn’t given him the respect he deserves. MKN knows PKD will dump him the instant his usefulness is over, but is angling for PKD to make him Prez. JNK also wants to be Prez. But neither has a chance because PKD’s top-secret goal is to be Executive Prez after KPO vacates party Chair.
And here is where the plot thickens: MKN meets KPO on Wednesday night, who tells him PKD will not keep his promise, but by now there is too much bad blood between them. A weak NCP would have been a golden opportunity for the NC, but SBD and RCP are at each other’s throats, and cannot get their acts together. Intense behind-the-scenes manoeuvrings are going on as we speak, with the following meetings this week:
Wednesday morning: RBT+TBR+NKS+BP
Wednesday afternoon: NKS+PKD+MKN
Wednesday midnight: BDG+PKD+JNK
Thursday telephonically in the wee hours: BDB+KPO
Thursday morning at the crack of dawn: KPO+SN+IP
Thursday noon: SBD+RCP
The reason anal-yeasts get it all wrong when trying to make sense of Nepali politics is they think there are rules. Actually, it is more like a cockfight. The gloves are off, and hitting the opponent below the belt is SOP. We don’t bother with backstabbing, we just stab each other in the front. But the main rule is: the enemy of your enemy is your enemy.