Now that we are a Feral Democratic Republic, we cannot carry on the way we were. We have to do things completely differently. This country needs a paradigm shit.

The Nepali Kangressis are on the right track, opening up shoe-shine businesses on the sidewalks to show that they are engaged in the noble profession of overcharging to polish shoes of passersby. Not be outdone, the UML can take a cue from Comrade Oily’s declaration last week that money laundering is good for the economy, by opening Nepal’s first laundromat to wash cash — and they can start by thawing the nine billions frozen by the Rastrabadi Bank. The Maobadi can show they are no longer engaged in bloodshed, but in blood donation by opening roadside kiosks to draw the blood of the proletariat for transfusions at medical colleges they own.

In the spirit of inclusiveness and gender balance, we also need to take this opportunity to be politically correct about place names. The Ass’ attention has been drawn to the fact that there is a male-bias in the words Himalayan Mountains, Lake Mansarovar, Manaslu and Manakamana. As a recognition to the contributions made by women to Nepal’s national development, we should start referring to the world’s greatest mountain range and other mountains as Heralaya, Womanaslu, and Tibet’s holiest lake as Person Sarovar. Hetauda must be immediately changed to Shetauda.

There have been half-hearted attempts in our own country in the past to rename towns after deceased national figures, but this campaign soon ground to a halt because we ran out of expired illustrious personages. We shouldn’t let this deter us, there are still thousands of famous people who are still hale and hearty and thousands of towns out there waiting to be renamed. Also we have a caretaker grovelment that seems to have a lot of time on its hands. The All-Nepal Renaming Towns Because We Have Nothing Better to Do National Commission has put forth the following suggestions which will be approved during the first sitting of the new Parliament or through a street agitation, whichever comes first: 

Old NameNew Name

KhumjungHillaryganj 

MuglingMugging 

KakarbhittaGingernagar 

SurkhetPhuket 

RampurRambahadurpur 

Why stop at towns? Our provinces still only have numericals. Kathmandu has a lot of unimaginative names of streets and neighbourhoods that have to be brought up to date:  

Old NameNew Name 

Chakra PathPrachanda Path 

BhedasingPrakash Man Singh 

JawalakhelJawaharlalkhel 

KopundoleCoupon Toll 

TaksarTaskar 

BhaisepatiRangopati 

BhaktapurChimniBhattapur 

Pradarsani MargExhibitionist Road 

BagmatiPlastic Bag Mati 

Kanti PathShining Path 

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