News in Briefs

Here at this newspaper we get a lot of requests from all Tom, Dicks and Hari for coverage of this or that book lunch. Being a public service media, we try to accommodate all legitimate events, however it is physically impossible to attend every chia pan. We are humanoid, after all. Here are some items that didn’t fit this week:

Monks To the Rescue

JORPATI — After the government failed to pave the Boudha Road for four years, local monks have taken the law into their own hands and forcibly asphalted their road themselves.

This has impressed the Kathmandu Mayor so much he is now mulling handing over Rani Pokhari and re-paving of all city streets to Monks & Nuns, Inc. The Ministry of Roads and Kingdoms is also having second thoughts about getting the Nepal Army to build the Tarai Fast Track. It is seriously considering giving it to the monks so they can complete the expressway ahead of schedule.

Shitting Bricks

KATHMANDU — If the amount of gold being funnelled through Tribunal International Airport is any indication, Nepal is already a middle income country, and we don’t have to wait till 2030.

Just the other day, an arriving passenger was detained after he swallowed a gold chain when apprehended at Customs. He was taken to prison, fed laxatives, and lo and behold a couple of days later, she shat it out. And the astounding thing was that the gold chain was in mint condition and ready for reuse. Nepali Workers, Unite! You Have Nothing to Lose But Your Gold Chains.

Bicycle Tax

JANAKPUR — In an effort to boost revenue to repair motorways, Province 2 has instituted an annual tax on all its bicycles. A back of the envelope calculation shows the Provincial Grumblement is expected to make enough revenue for the entire Cabinet to upgrade to Scorpio SUVs.

Taking its cue, Province 3 (which includes Kathmandu) has decided to tax pedestrians who insist on walking despite all sidewalks having been removed. Swimming across large puddles on the roads, however, has been declared tax-free. Not to be outdone, Province 4 will start taxing people for breathing from next fiscal year. The Federal Government, being cash-strapped and running out of stuff to tax, will soon institute a death tax that can be paid posthumously.

The Ass


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