Nepal’s undecided decision-makers

Don’t believe what the press is writing about ministers being incompetent. As usual, the media is exaggerating.

Actually, our ministers are hard at work behind the scenes trying not to take any major decisions. This is an ingenious strategic move by the government so that they do not make any mistakes.

If no decisions are taken, there is no chance of the decisions being wrong. For anything to go wrong, a decision has to be taken that is not right. It is audacious for the government to be so decisively indecisive, since decisions that are eventually taken may turn out to be the wrong decisions.

Policy-makers may think they are decision-makers. Out of sheer boredom they take impulsive decisions, and immediately get to regret their decisiveness. Since this is a two-thirds majority grumblement, the Cabinet has the mandate to not decide on anything of a substantive nature.

So, the matter of the members of the Cabinet (Motto: ‘Who Told You the Buck Stops Here?’) being incompetent doesn’t arise. It’s an idiot-proof system of governance because our movers and shakers don’t move at all and very rarely shake. To make the system even more failsafe, ministers have collectively decided to henceforth scrap Cabinet meetings at Singha Darbar altogether since it has been decided that everything is decided at Baluwatar anyway.

Even so, the grovelment spokespersona is required to hold a press conference every Thursday to brief the press about the decisions that were not taken by the Cabinet. In the pseudo-nationalist interest, we have decided to publish heretounder all pending indecisions:

1. The Cabinet has decided not to make any decision on reviving the Melamchi project, and instead allow the 26.7km tunnel to be used for a Bullet Train service to Langtang National Park. But no decision had been taken till press time.

2. The Ministry of Information Overload has firmly decided to put off any decision on the Media Council Bill because it would show that the government had foolishly decided to be decisive.

3. The God of Rain has not yet decided when the monsoon will begin, and farmers have therefore put off their decision to transplant paddy.

4. Patching potholes on the 500m section of road between Chabahil and Baudhha is half-complete because the Department of Roads and Kingdoms is half-decided about completing it before the rains.

5. The government hasn’t decided what the decision should be on the Nijgad Airport clear-felling contract. “The decision hasn’t been taken on who should decide which logging company should bag the deal,” clarified the government spokespersonification with a hint of indecisiveness in his voice.

6. Heavenly sources have told The Ass on condition of anonymity that The Almighty hasn’t made up his and/or her mind about what to do with Nepal next. “God is weighing the options since things are fluid. Just because he is omnipresent doesn’t mean he’s got Nepal all figured out,” said a celestial spokespersonality.

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