In a Feral Republic

Now that Nepal has turned from an Animal Kingdom into a Feral Republic, we need to be more politically correct and inclusive in addressing our feathered, four-legged and furry friends in a more polite and respectful way.

On World Wildlife Week we humans have to redress the historic wrongs we have perpetrated against fellow creatures great and small, including waging genocide, driving them to extinction, and incinerating their body parts at BBQ parties.

Ever since our cave-dwelling quadruped ancestors decided that their co-animals were tasty, we have decapitated them, amputated their limbs and sold them as McNuggets and Drumsticks. Man has also treated animals in a derogatory way in everyday language by attaching negative attributes to them.

In referring to the current political scenario as a ‘snake pit’ think of what an insult it is to snakes. By describing the Melamchi Tunnel dig as moving at a ‘snail’s pace’ we belittle the velocity of gastropod locomotion. We show a singular lack of sensitivity to the feelings of our equine friends when we wolf down hors d’oeuvres (pronounced: ‘horse devours’).

But as animals ourselves, and a species that has reached the pinnacle of evolution and civilisation, we have to learn to be less anthropocentric, and more sympathetic when referring to fellow animules in daily conversation. As we can see from recent headlines in the papers, animals are retaliating by ‘Wreaking Havoc in Dhanusha’ and ‘Going on a Rampage in Jhapa’. In Chitwan, tigers have turned into person-eaters.

It is time to call for a ceasefire, and to make first amends we must replace speciest language with more politically correct formulations:

WRONG: The leader of the coalition partner is a son-of-a-bitch.

CORRECT: Most politicians in Nepal are proud to be scions of female dogs.

WRONG: You cannot teach an old dog new tricks.

CORRECT: Kathmandu’s canines yowled in celebration when they were told that the country was going to the dogs again.

WRONG: The only fly in the oinkment was that the Minister made a fool of himself at the Investment Summit.

CORRECT: At the Cocktail Reception she mustered the courage to inform the Minister that his fly was open.

WRONG: The Prime Minister has kept a lion’s share of the ministerial portfolios.

CORRECT: The PM is the Lion King incarnate of Singha Darbar.

WRONG: Reporters at the press conference behaved like vultures tearing into the carcass of a dead water buffalo.

CORRECT: Famished raptors nibbled at the mortal remains of a deceased gnu like a gang of journalists ambushing government officials.

WRONG: It is quite acceptable in politics to be a sycophant and lick ass.

CORRECT: The Ass has been a visionary statesman for donkey’s years.