It would not be an exaggeration to say that animals have it better than people in the Feral Democratic Republic of Nepal. In fact, this country is only fit for animals. Proof of the high regard we have for all creatures great and small is the ongoing Tihar festival, during which they are dedicated a day each to be worshipped.
Lots to Crow About
Saturday is when we honour our feathered friend by getting up as the cock crows to pay homage to the neighbourhood raven flock. We get to worship at the feet of Yamaraj’s Roving Ambassador and Plenipotentiary here on Planet Earth, and honour the bird’s remarkable contribution to recycling and upcycling Kathmandu’s garbage. Without the contribution of His Excellency the Crow to solid waste management in the capital, Kathmandu Valley would have long ago been buried under buffalo wings, chicken drumsticks and goat chops.
Praying to the Pooch
Sunday is the day we give due recognition to man’s best friend in this dog-eat-dog world of contemporary Nepal for being such excellent security guards that they enforce a night-time curfew in most neighbourhoods. The sons of bitches are so good at their job that they do not even let dog’s best friends get back into their own homes, and when they do, they will continue to yowl all night to real and imaginary enemies of the people and anti-nationalists. It would not be an exaggeration to state that this country is going to the dogs, and thank dog for that because otherwise it would have gone to the hyenas in government. Sunday is when you can get away with saying “Oh my dog!” because dogs are gods for 24 hours.
It is proof of the high regard secular Nepal continues to accord our erstwhile national animal that we allow them right of way on major thoroughfares and highway arteries. Imagine the chaos that would ensue if these taurine traffic islands did not regulate the flow of vehicles by their very presence, chewing the cud along the faded centreline. Not even President Xi’s motorcade is accorded as much priority on Kathmandu’s roads as the city’s cattle herds. The street fauna feed on yummy plastic bags in the neighbourhood garbage heap, and are allowed to deposit bullshit anywhere, even in open-defecation free districts where us higher primates are not allowed by law to take a dump anymore. That is why on Sunday, we will take the bull in the china shop by the horns to feed it marigold garlands and recognise their contribution to the national economy by being our favourite cash cows.
Day of the Donkey
The public is hereby notified that kicking and licking Ass is henceforth allowed any day of the current fiscal year.