As the Earth attempts to complete its 2,022nd orbit around the Sun since the virgin birth of Baby Jesus, I have both good news and bad news.
First the bad news. The planet is on the verge of climate collapse with the mass extinction of species, including us hupersons. We are now four minutes closer to midnight in the nuclear doomsday clock. And if these two disasters were not enough to finish us all off once and for all, it looks like there is a 50-50 chance that an asteroid will hit the Earth in the next million years or so.
Now, the good news: the government will lift the ban on imported liquor in the new year. That is the kind of glad tidings we had hoped for this holiday season to lift up our spirits so we can see the goblet as half full.
But as if things were not already bleak enough, we are swamped with hate mail of late for all the gloom and doom in these pages. Here is one that just came in:
I don’t know why I am addressing you as ‘Sir’ when I know for a fact that you are an Ass, and have never to my knowledge been knighted. You could also not be a Sir at all, but a Ladies, in which case, I beg your pardon. But let’s presume for sake of argument, that you are indeed a knight of the male persuasion. So what? I am writing to take umbrage at all the negative stuff in your paper. How come you have nothing nice to say about us in government? Do you always have to see the dark lining in every silver cloud? Do you know how difficult it is for us personally every time we pass an ordnance granting blanket amnesty to those accused of war crimes? You better stop censoring the good news about the great work of this Coalition Government with immediate effect, otherwise I am personally going to see to it that the President awards you a medal on New Year’s Day.
– Department of Miscommunication
If you say so. Here is one item of good news that somehow didn’t make it to the news lineup:
No Need To Panic: Govt
The outgoing government has assured citizens that despite the country’s economy going down the tubes there is no need to panic because it is also the incoming government, and we have a head of government who has the most experience being prime minister.
“We have everything under control. We are lifting the ban on imported liquor,” the Minister for Misinformation, who lost the election, told mediapersons. “There is no reason for alarm right now, we will let you know when it is time to panic.”
Meanwhile, the UN has declared Nepal to be the most successful failed state in the world. The Minister was ecstatic: “This is a great honour, but we cannot rest on our laurels. We must rest on our sofas, and go back to sleep.”