Many of you have taken me aside at diplomatic receptions this week to ask deeply personal questions about what I thunk of the final episode of Game of Thrones ®, to which my diplomatic answer to all of you has been: “None of your business.” It is strictly a matter between me and David Benioff alone, no one else. But for those of you who got older as GoT actors aged or were killed off, here is an abridged recap. Please do not hesitate to raise your hands and interrupt me during this presentation if anything is unclear:
The Wall keeps off illegal migrants called White Walkers from Westeros. Robert Baratheon (Cersei Lannister’s husband) meets the Warden of the North, Ned Stark, and recruits him as his new Chief of Staff to replace someone whose name I forget. King’s Landing is so corrupt it is ripe for rebellion by the Bigplop Faction when Ned Stark travels down with his daughters Sansa and Arya Starks. Bran is defenestrated by Jaime and his sister (I know, this part was censored by HBO for faint-hearted South Asians) and is wheelchair-bound for the next 8 years. Catelyn Stark suspects Tyrion Lannister of chucking Bran (even though that is impossible because he is a dwarf) and is challenged to a duel, which he fights through his proxy, Bronn. Cersei Lannister’s son Joffrey has Lord Peytr Littlefinger Baelish decapitate Ned because he wants Stannis Baratheon and not him (Joffrey) as Protector of the Realm. Arya escapes and Sansa is arrested, King Robb of Winterfell goes to battle against Lannisters. Meanwhile Khal ‘Dothraki’ Drogo marries Daenerys Targaryen, who wants to capture Westeros and sit on the Iron Throne. Drogo dies, leaving Daenerys to give birth to three baby dragons capable of exhaling napalm.
[You following me up to here? So far the story is pretty straightforward, but the plot thickens after this.]
Jaime Lannister is a POW as Robb proposes joining forces with Balon Greyjoy in the Indo-Pacific Alliance, is double-crossed and Winterfell falls. Catelyn and Brienne of Tarth are suspected to be perpetrators of Renly’s murder. Meanwhile, Jon Snow is freezing his semi-royal Ass off at The Wall, gets bored with Night’s Watch and defects to Wildlings. Daenerys gathers her dragons and takes off for Qarth seeking an alliance against Westeros, and escapes to form a eunuch army, Joffrey is poisoned, Jaime’s hand is chopped off, and Bran Stark becomes a wolf. Cersei is forced to walk naked through the streets of King’s Landing (also censored), Daenerys firebombs Aleppo and Sanaa just before the Dothraki forces, now allied with ISIS, close in.
Meanwhile, not all is quiet on the Northern Front as Jon Snow is resurrected for a second coming to wage the Battle of the Bastards. Jon and Daenerys go to King’s Landing to convince Cersei to fight the Johnny Walkers together. Two dragons are subsequently shot down by Scorpion heat-seeking missiles, as the living and the dead fight unto death with smart bombs.
[Still with me?]
Cheetah is on the branch of a baobab scouring the Serengeti for meat and mate. Carnal carnivore that she is, she finds a large hunk with nice fat assets after a brief chase. That was the mate. Good thing she didn’t mistake him for prey and eat a future husband. Wearing spotted House Targaryen inspired leggings, Cheetah chases a particularly yummy gnu named Jenna and slits her throat.
[Who’s fiddling with the remote? Why didn’t you tell me we had switched to Discovery Channel?]