Fora and fauna

Madam Chair, Respected Sofa, Your Loyal Highnesses, Honourable Murderers-at-large, Fellow-skeletons Rattling in the Cabinet, Members of the Premier Gold Smugglers Class, Heroic War Criminals, Chieftains of the Medical-Industrial Complex, Hundi Tycoons, Media Typhoons, Mafia Dons, Organised and Disorganised Criminals Enjoying Political Protection, Revered Blacklisted Contractors, Esteemed Money Launderers, Tax Evaders, Respected Givers and Takers of Kickbacks, Overseers and Undertakers, Venereal Members of the Society of Nepali Intellectuals (Undemocratic), Ex-Cellencies, Adherents of the Journalistic Persuasion, Distinguishable Guests, and Mr Rishi Dhamala. 

It is both a pleasure and a pain in the ass to be invited here once again to the Reporter’s Pub for the Faeces to Faces Program today to speak to you about how well the country has been doing. Firstly, since I am among fellow-oxymorons here I don’t need to belabour the obvious and waste your and my time speaking about how the country is now embarked upon the glorious path to stability and propensity.

Come to think of it, if I don’t need to tell you, then why am I doing just that? This is a question that I often ask myself when I have to attend fora and fauna like these. It has bedevilled me, and I am sure it has bedevilled every Prime Minister of this country since time immemoriam.
That is why today I am departing from my prepared English text to speak frankfully and to toot my own trumpet here, if I may.

It must be clear to all you political observers, anonymous analyeasts and western diplomatic sources who don’t want to be quoted by name, that despite some impedimentations and difficultivities we are well on track to achieve stabilitude in this country in the not too unforeseeable future. 

In fact, just this morning while attending to a call from Nature I was temporarily disconnected because Nature as usual wasn’t calling me on my landline, but on Viber. But when we established contact again I was naturally delighted that I had to pay an extra 13% tax for the call. We will use that money to pay for my medical bill in Singapore.  

The other sign of the new normal is that garbage is piling up again on the streets. It is a deliberate government policy to scatter trash so that nostalgic residents of the capital don’t forget the good old days. 

We promised a government that is stable, and we fulfilled it with all this horse manure. You wanted prosperity, and we are on track to manufacture at least 10 more Nepali Forbes billionaires. 

 Hey, wake up, the speechification is over. Please stand up for the national anthem.