Earth Day Resolutions

It’s another Earth Day next week, and we are lucky we still have a Planet to observe it in with various activities like cutting back on fossil fuels by diluting our diesel with water.

Scientists recently announced in the journal Nature that trees do not only give off oxygen, but also methane, which is a greenhouse gas far more potent than carbon dioxide.

Being alert to the latest scientific discoveries, GONE has therefore launched a tree-felling campaign on a war-footing. The grabberment announced a target of mowing down forests the size of an average district in the forthcoming fiscal year. Cutting down 2.5 million trees to build the new airport in Nijgad alone will reduce the amount of methane we pump into the atmosphere and help cool the planet.

We may have been barking up the wrong trees all these years by trying to increase forest cover in this country. There is really no other option but to start destroying our forests all over again and not let them ever grow back. And we have no time to lose, so let’s get cracking.

There are lots of other things we can do individually and collectively on Earth Day to save the Planet; here are 10 tips:

1. Immediately set a time limit on speeches by all Cabinet ministers to less than five minutes to reduce the emission of hot air.

2. Stop breathing. Every breath you take consumes precious atmospheric oxygen and gives off harmful carbon dioxide. Remember, every molecule counts!

3. Stop farting around.

4. Besides 30 million Nepalis, there are 22 million cows and 17 million goats in Nepal and if all of them felt free to pass wind without let or hindrance imagine the accumulation of greenhouse gases in the atmosphere. And we’re not even counting yaks, water buffaloes and Asses here, and we all know how embarrassing those three animules can be in polite company.

5. Organise maha yagya in Tundikhel for harmony in the universe and burn 15 tons of rice seeds, 400kg of ghee, and feed 108 Brahmins.

6. Immediately scrap the Community Forestry Program.

7. Create an artificial shortage of petrol and LPG to reduce Nepal’s petroleum import bill and emission of carbon dioxide, but I notice the gonnerment has already thought of that.

8. Stop using plastic straws, pour the margarita straight into your mouth using a funnel. And while we are at it, we should also ban plastic surgery.

9.  Nepal reduced its carbon footprint by closing down Kathmandu airport 10 hours a day. We can easily increase this to 20 hours a day and do our bit for The Planet.

10. Ask Pashupatinath one last time to protect us all.