There are unconfirmed reports coming out of the Office of the Astrologer General that, if all goes according to plan, the Earth will complete yet another orbit around the sun on Tuesday.
If this rumour turns out to be correct, it calls for a celebration. After everything we humans have done to wreck the planet, it looks like the planet is doing just fine, spinning merrily on its axis oblivious to climate change, species extinction, wars and Donald Trump. It is still orbiting the sun without a care in the world.
However, as responsible citizens, we must ponder: Is it really such a good idea to embark on a new year at this point in time? Do we actually need a brand new year? What’s wrong with the old one? Can we individually and collectively take another 365 days of this?
At the rate things are going the new year is going to be a lot crappier than the last one. At least we were getting used to being miserable 2018-style, now, in the new year we will have to get used to a whole new set of unfamiliar events. What if they complete Melamchi? Imagine the shock to the system. What if the Sankhu Road is paved? How will we ever deal with a six-lane highway from Thankot to Kalanki? How will we handle an upgraded Kathmandu Airport?
So, to cope with new year surprises, we should petition The Higher Up Authority to please let us continue with 2018, and leave things the way they are.
However, as a fall back, in case our petition is rejected, we better be ready with our 2019 new year resolutions. Here are mine:
1. I am going to get myself a life membership of the Nepal Bar Association Pvt Ltd. And that is probably where you will find me during 2019: nursing a large Famous Grouch on the rocks. And I am going to make sure I always see the glass as half-empty, so I am eligible for a refill at Happy Hour.
2. I will cut down on carbs by cutting the cake into smaller slices before eating it.
3. I hereby resolve that in the new year I will not work harder than I have to, I will not do today what I can do tomorrow.
4. I will hold my head high in 2019 and tell all firanghis they needn’t bother trying to destabilise our country, we’re doing that just fine by ourselves.
5. I will stop giving cash bribes to get stuff done. In the interest of transparency, palms will be greased strictly by account payee cheque.
6. I will not waste time aimlessly surfing the net on my phone in 2019, I’ll do it on my PC.
7. I will stop drinking and driving. (I will stop driving, and only drink.)
8. I will stop smoking two packs of cigarettes a day. (I’ll just breathe Kathmandu air.)
9. I will stop using bad words. WTF, I’ll just use internet slang like STFU, LMFAO.
10. I will continue to make a complete Ass of myself every week in 2019.