Older and wider in 2022

As Planet Earth completes another orbit around the Sun, it is that time of year during our trajectory through space to take stock of the past year, and prepare for the next one by making a firm resolution to be even more grouchy and cantankerous throughout Fiscal Year 2021-22. After all, what is there to be cheerful about?

It is also the time of year when we realise that we are all getting older and wider. As a Communist [Damn, autocorrect!]. As a Columnist for a newspaper of record it is incumbent upon this scribe in the public interest to also promote a few health tips for the benefit of those who in 2022 need a higher resolution:

• New Year’s Eve is a timely reminder to some of us that we are getting long in the tooth. Not that we needed reminding. Take it from me: the older you get, the fewer teeth you have. Which is why senior officials of the main political parties are all toothless.

•  Then there is hair. Many follicular-challenged senior Nepalis are successfully hiding their age with transplants modelled after Nepal’s successful Community Forestry Program. A person may have a full head of hair, but it may not be attached to the scalp. The way to tell is to yank alleged hair during a fistfight on the floor of the August House. If the fur comes off (Aha!) the MP in question is wearing a wig, and is not a Young Turk. We should therefore accord him/her/them all respect and veneration traditionally bestowed by our society on five-time prime ministers.

•  The other thing about hair is that as one gets on in years, it stops growing where it was originally designed to (head, chest, armpits, bellybutton) and starts sprouting where it is not supposed to (inside nostril, in ear canal, shower outlet, etc). There is also a gender difference: mustaches fall off as men age, whereas older women start growing them.

• Since too much tea drinking can cause ulcers, I would advise all seniors to switch to Old Smuggler and get a life membership of the Nepal Bar in 2022.

• Those of you who aced Physics in school will know that according to Newton’s Law of Universal Gravitation, any mass in the known universe attracts another ass with a force that is equal to the square root of the acceleration of both bodies as governed by the following equation: F = G(m1m2)/R2. This explains why my lower abdomen has of late started moving in the general direction of the Centre of the Earth. We can defy gravity by getting cantilever support from concealed cummerbunds, and take it as a compliment when younger colleagues in the orifice whisper: “Geez, the guy’s got guts.”

• Have to watch your carbohydrate intake as you get older, so reduce  carbs in the new year by cutting the leftover Christmas fruitcake into smaller slices before eating them.

• Smoking is hazardous to health. Quit immediately. Just breathe Kathmandu air in 2022.