UDEN MAHARJAN

I have just been reminded through Google Alert that it is time for our annual review of traffic rules in Kathmandu. These periodic updates are necessary so that vehicle drivers, pedestrians and street livestock are apprised of changes (if any) in the rules and procedures while trafficking in this city. Follow these rules, otherwise we will follow you:
 
1. The No Honking rule has been rescinded. Honking is an important part of road safety, and not honking repeatedly and loudly at fellow travellers will result in a 6 month jail term or a Rs 6,000 fine, whichever comes first. When God made cars and trucks, he in his infinite wisdom equipped them with horns. Let’s use them, as instructed in the back of trucks.

2. Drivers are advised that they are no longer required to stop at zebra crossings to let pedestrians cross the road. This rule has been revoked retroactively, so you can even go back in time to last year and not stop at the zebras.

Henceforth and heretofore, if there are street walkers trying to step into a zebra, the driver’s responsibility is to accelerate and beat them to it.

3. Micro-buses are jam-packed for a reason – they allow close human contact between citizens and build a touchy-feely community spirit. Any new clean and reliable bus service that offers sterile and silent commuting and removes social interaction must be opposed tooth and nail by stoning new buses and declaring a bund east of Tinkune.

4. It is an indication of the reverence we accord to our National Animule that we give bulls the privilege of serving as bovine traffic islands at the Mandala, weekdays from 9-5. El Toro’s TOR is to not budge, even if the Presidential Motorcade en route to Parliament whizzes by since he is there by divine instruction.

5. Now that the traffic lights at Baneswor have been fixed, let us remind ourselves what the coloured lights mean. GREEN: Go Fast. AMBER: Go Faster. RED: Bribe Cop.

6. The Police’s zero-tolerance for driving while under the influence has been revoked with immediate effect. Since the treasury is empty, it is up to every citizen to imbibe and help generate revenue for the state.  

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