Diplomatic offensive

The present Communistic Coalition of the United States of Nepal is the most powerful this country has ever seen since Jung Bahadur, and it could be said with some historical accuracy that both relied effectively on decapitating rivals to introduce crony capitalism as the system of governance in this country. His Fearsomeness Comrade Awe-Inspiring has quite a few human skeletons still rattling away in his closet, while in his prime Prime Minister Oli himself is said to have persuaded zamindars to agree to have their heads detached from their torsos during the Jhapa Uprising. 

Which is why it is no surprise that this can-do Oligarki has hit the ground running. Its ministers are not just sitting around giving speeches, they are staying on afterwards for tea and samosas. The United Unified Marxist-Leninists and Maoists had a shotgun wedding, and they are on the verge of divorce even before the honeymoon because of a hitch in their prenup before getting hitched. That is how seriously they take their role as our rulers.

It will take time for the Ass to draw up a comprehensive list of the accomplishments of the Communard Cabinet since it took office, and this is just the first of many instalments. Ready or not, here they come:

1 When the Prime Minister said he would turn Nepal into Singapore in five years, he actually meant all Nepalis would have the same annual per capita income as the inhabitants of the village of Singhapur in Taplejung. And when Comrade Awestruck predicted that Nepal could soon have the same living standard as Switzerland, we misheard. He had meant to say Nepal would be as prosperous as Swaziland. Both goals have already been achieved within weeks of the new government coming to office.

2 The Left Front has shown it is not a pushover, has the cojones to take on powerful foes, and has put relations with the EU on a war-footing. The new national slogan in the corridors of the powerful in Kathmandu is: ‘Europeans Go Home, And Take Us With You on Junkets’.

3 The Ministry of Foreigners has put donor governments on notice that Nepal will not take international interference lying down anymore — it will take it standing up with hands outstretched. In fact, it can be said that Nepalis have chosen to be beggars out of their own free will, and that choice should be universally respected. Also, we do not want any more advice on the Constitution, just cough up your money.

4 Let this serve as a warning: GONE is on a diplomatic offensive, which means we are being as offensive as possible to diplomats.

5 The Firanghi Ministry has also issued a 1-point guideline about Chief Ministers and provincial officials meeting dips. In summary, it says: “Don’t” since international affairs is a national affair. Officials of ministerial rank and above can meet foreign intelligence operatives from neighbouring countries, but only in Bangkok or Singapore during routine health checkups.

6 It is something to be proud of that as soon as this government came to power, it solved one of the most intractable problems this country has faced since the early-Licchavi Era: it got the New Baneswor intersection traffic lights fixed. Who said such feats could not be accomplished in our lifetime?

7 To reassure the business community and foreign investors, the Under-Financed Ministry is preparing an Economic White Paper, so called because it is completely blank.

8 The Ministry of Miscommuniction and Disinformation has banned analogue tv with immediate effect, and the government will now enforce the rule that every household must watch a minimum of 5 hours of digital tv every day to ensure stability and prosperity.

9 The new Federal Government of Province 6 has banned Facebook from 9AM-5PM. It said anyone swiping through FB during office hours would be unfriended and their browsing history put on public display.

10 Home Minister Comrade Cloudy (long time no see!) went on a surprise inspection of Kathmandu Airport and caught everyone napping — including smugglers, human traffickers, wildlife contrabandists, drug pedlars and gold runners. He has directed the airport henceforth remain open night-and-day to double the income of the underground economy (Motto: “Everybody Gets His Share”)

11 The Ministry of Education and Commerce has declared that walls of all school buildings all over the country will have to be painted yellow, their roofs have to be red. Several officials in the Ministry have been caught red-handed. 

12 [Points 8-11 are only partly made up. -Ed.]