Brand new products

23 October 2021

Now that Nepal has been ranked 76th out of 116 countries in the UN’s World Hunger Index, and we seem to be more fed-up than India and Pakistan (yay!) this is a long-overdue recognition of the rapid strides this country has taken to ensure junk food for all by 2025.

That is the year when Nepal attains Middle Kingdom Status, and the average person's consumption of cracker curls, chips, cookies, and chau-chau will propel the Nepalis’ economic growth, if not girth.

The other indicator that Nepal’s economy has taken off like a rocket is the growth of the advertising industry. Commercial Break: this week’s Backside Column has been made possible because of generous support from Crackpot Cheeseballs (“Do you have the balls?”) and with the sponsorship of Virgin Gin (“Forget the tonic!”). At this juncture the Ass would like to pay tribute to the junk food industry without whose valuable support we journalists would not be able to peddle this junk. If the fast snack folks did not fill these pages with ads, we would not be able to ram our opinions down your throats.

Nepal’s fast-moving consumer products are now moving so fast that there is no time to loaf around. (This last sentence was sponsored by Sagarmatha Loaf: ‘You Got the Dough? We Got the Bread.’) And that is why this week’s Backside column gives a whole new meaning to the notion of 'native advertising' by listing the hottest food items with zero nutritional value (yum!) that are on supermarket shelves:

E-coli Bottled Water

‘Bottled at source from the Bagmati at Teku and fortified with micro-organic nutrients. Quench your thirst, and simultaneously lose weight from loose motion.’

Housewife Cooking Oil

‘The cooking oil that all Nepali housewives swear by. (Actual housewife quote: “@#$%&*?!” Move from the fire into the frying pan with Housewife. Good for the Heart, Bad for

Everything Else.’

Poodle Instant Noodle

‘No, Nepal has definitely not run out of instant noodle brands. Here comes Poodle Noodle, which despite its name has nothing to do with a pooch (it just rhymes), but is the country’s first noodle with permitted colours and flavours of uncastrated goats.’

Computer Chips

‘Enjoy Nepal’s first onion-and-cheese flavoured semiconductor chips prepared especially for computer programmers, medical transcription inputters, back office staff, and call centre workers to munch during their midnight snack break.’