A self-reliant Nepal

Once in a while, amidst all this gloom and doom, we detect a silver lining, a light at the end of the tunnel, a ray of moonshine. I am, of course, referring to the heartening piece of news this week that Nepal is now self-sufficient in chicken and eggs.

Although we should not be counting our chicken before they hatch, this is a phenomenal piece of good news. It means we will finally be putting to rest an answer to the scientific riddle that has bedevilled mankind since the dawn of human history: which came first, the chicken or the egg?

We have it on good authority that it was neither. What came first was the rooster that impregnated the hen. I know, many of you are itching to ask, so where did the rooster come from? Was he also not from an egg born? You are right. Hadn’t thought of it, let me make a mental note of that, and get back to you.

But I digress from the main point on the agenda this week, which is that with self-sufficiency in poultry products, it is clear that Nepal’s Human Asset Index is now on an upward trajectory, and the country is well on its way to graduate to Middle Kingdom Status.

Unbeknownst to most of us, Nepal had already achieved self-sufficiency in various commodities that are of strategic importance. But, being a modest nation of humble means that does not like to toot its own trumpet unnecessarily, we did not make a big song and dance about it before. However, now in strictest confidence, we can reveal to you this highly classified list of items in which Nepal is self-reliant:

• Instant Noodles. Nepal now makes enough chow-chow to feed the country’s population many times over.
• Uranium. The discovery of a sackful of U-238 in Boudha last month is proof that the country does not have to rely anymore on imports of fissile material.
• Iron Rods. The number of commercials of TMT bars on TV these days, must mean that Nepal has now formally and definitively entered the Iron Age.
• Gold Biscuits. Till not long ago, Nepal had to import all its gold from abroad countries. We are glad to announce that henceforth Nepal does not import any gold, we just smuggle it in.
• Alcohol. The Nepal government’s concerted efforts to promote new beer and liquor brands has paid off in the long run. It can be officially announced that we are now not just self-sufficient in alcoholic beverages, but are actually exporting it across the porous border to India to reduce our balance of payments deficit. Which is why the present system of retail sales of Old Smuggler whiskey is too cumbersome, and should be upgraded. Since fuel tankers and LPG Bullets are returning empty to India, how about NOC barter booze for petroleum in a daru-for-diesel deal? And if this takes off, we can extend the India-Nepal Petroleum Pipeline to Chitwan so that petrol is pumped up to Nepal in the daytime, and we send down Barahsinghe Premium beer by night in the other direction to Bihar.
• I bet many of you do not know that the Ministry of Animal Husbandry and Midwifery has proudly declared that Nepal is now self-sufficient in bovine semen. This means Nepal’s street oxen have no function anymore and can be retired.
• The Minister for Forest and Environment has announced that Nepal is now self-reliant in carbon monoxide. However, he said the oxygen concentration in the atmosphere was at dangerously high levels due to the wildfires in the country, and he was working to reduce it

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